Velvet Eyes
BARRY THE SCIENTIST by D B Cooper

Interior of scientific laboratory research facility-test tubes, Bunsen burners and myriad  multi-coloured bubbling jars. Two classic eggheads with beards, kipper ties, long white lab coats and shirts with flared collars are crouched over an intricate looking piece of machinery comprising mechanical gloves, tweezers and Petri dishes.

Egghead One: (nervously, voice just above a whisper) For gods sake Wilson, steady man, there are only four of those samples in the entire world. Make sure you have that osmotic haemascope calibrated properly.

Egghead Two: (firmly, patiently, but with a note of exasperation) Kepple….(manipulating mechanical gloves) as you well know…over a period of 15 years I almost single handedly invented the haemasope, and (squirts syringe)…spent a further 3 years constructing the advanced mathematical theorems necessary to understand the calibration process…(gloves move again) I think I know what I’m doing

Kepple:  Yes,  yes of course, I know, I do apologise, I’m just very excited about this moment. I’ve invested 10 years of my life in reaching this stage.

Wilson: As have we all Kepple, you, I, and everybody else at this facility

K: Yes I know, I’m sorry

W:   Very well (begins process again)

K: Is it plugged in?

W: (exasperated) Kepple! This is possibly the most advanced piece of extractive molecular DNA machinery ever invented. Constructed at a cost of over 6 million dollars, comprising a self sourcing white fusion iridium core…..(shouting) Not a bloody sandwich toaster!!! (quieter) it does NOT have a blinking plug!!!

K: (sheepish) Oh yes, of course….well….erm…(motions) off you…er …go

W: (quietly) Thank you (bends once more towards the machinery)

From out of nowhere offscreen appears a man wearing a similar white lab coat to W and K. However he is also wearing a bright pink lacoste polo shirt and has Ray Ban sunglasses pushed up onto his forehead. He steps in between W and K and slaps them both chummily on the back causing W to band his head on the machinery.

Barry: Oi oi saveloy!! What you two budgie smugglers up to then!!?

W and K are both annoyed but obviously afraid and in awe of this newcomer

K: Oh…er…hello Barry (laughs nervously) what are you doing here? I thought you were working on level 42 alongside Professor King with his matter transmission project?

B: Naaaah!! Well yes…at least I was until I found out what the old fruitcake was up to. (W and K goggle inquisitively) Did you know what that lunatic was up to? (before they can answer) Only the old Star Trek (makes wooooing noise and waves hands about) shifty shifty, now you see me, now you don’t, now you do, manoeuvre!!

W: If you mean the subatomic recognition, replication and transmission technique as hypothesised by Dare & Von Bachagen that King had been working on for the past 25 years than yes I do.

B: ( proudly) Not on my watch

K: What do you mean Barry?

B: Looook if it aint working for Jeff Goldblum then I’m sure Old King Conehead aint going nowhere. He weren’t having me go up there one day and he’s all upside down on the ceiling, slobbering everywhere giving it the (imitates badly) Brundlefly!!! BZZZZZZ!!!

W: My god so what did you do?

B: (produces Cricket Bat) Told him he was two cod short of a fish finger and gave that little nudie booth of his the old Freddie Flintoff  (swings bat and practices strokes)  wallop, zoompo, bosh….jobs a good un (smiles proudly)

W: Good lord, are you insane? That project cost millions of pounds, and had taken up the better part of Professor Kings life, he’ll be devastated….he’ll call the police!

B: (shaking his head) Nah nah nah me and Kingy came to an understanding…..admittedly I did have to use stumps and a wicket-keepers glove, but he saw sense eventually. (shakes head and laughs) You Eggheads eh? Anyhow what you girls playing at then?

W: (backing away nervously) Oh er nothing at all…Bazza….just playing about a bit with some very uninteresting, boring, safe, uninteresting, safe stuff. You know what us girls are like?  Anyway (trying to usher B out) Why you must be parched after your busy day. Why don’t you slip off early to The Ship And Anchor and celebrate (W pulls a £10 note from his pocket and waves it in front of B…B is almost convinced and moves towards exiting)

K: (Excitedly) We’re extracting dinosaur DNA! It’s at a very advanced stage

W looks at K horrified, K instantly realises his error, B pause with a mounting look of disbelief and smouldering anger

B:  DNA?....Dinosaurs?

K: (hastily) Its perfectly fine Barry old man, its from a frozen sample of T-Rex hide, there are only 4 samples in existence. It could be the biggest ever breakthrough in evolutionary theory!

B: (eyes bulging) Evolution!!..Evolution!!...Nobody (look at W and K) but NOBODY is turning me back into a dinosaur!

W and K look at each other in confusion

W: No no don’t listen to him (slaps K) he’s an imbecile, he’s mistaken. It’s not like that. Listen it’s simply research, theoretical hypothesis. Once we know more about the genetic make-up of this hide the possible benefits are enormous. We could find out why the dinosaurs died out, chart their history (begins to drift into a reverie and forgets danger) we could extract spores, develop vaccines, find cures for diseases like we have with snake venom and shark juice (becoming totally lost in excitement) We might even one day be able to clone its cells and then who knows…(tails off realising he has said far too much)

B: (disbelief in his voice) Clone?....A dinosaur?....(looks from W to K and back again) no no no no no….those big scaly lizard bastards had their chance….and they BLEW IT!!!...this ends…NOW!!! (begins swinging his arm about whilst holding cricket bat and practicing strokes again)

W and K (panicking) No! No! This has taken years! Cells! Cells! Not whole dinosaurs!!

B: Not on my watch (whispers to cricket bat) Come on Beefy, time to go to work

                        Fade with noise of smashing glass and cries of anguish from W and K

 

 

 

 

 

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