Velvet Eyes

BREAKFAST IN DEAD by P Coltrane

INT. LIVING ROOM. EARLY EVENING.
 
Derek is sitting alone in his living room in front of the TV with a plate of chips perched on his lap. As he puts his dinner on the coffee table in front of him, so he can grab a sip of his beer, the light flickers and he hears a ghostly call from all around him.

 

MARGARET
(Ghostly Voice)
Derek! Derek!

Momentarily Derek looks up, glances at one corner of the room then the other before turning back to his beer and TV. As he puts his drink back on the table he shaking his head as if to say “Not again”

MARGARET
(Ghostly Voice)

Derek! This is your wife. Why did you kill me?

Derek leans forward and picks up his knife and fork in preparation to resume eating his dinner.

MARGARET
(Ghostly Voice)
Why Derek? WHY?

Rolling his eyes Derek ignores the call again and picks up the TV remote in order to turn it up.

MARGARET
Don’t you dare turn that TV up: I’m talking to you!

DEREK
Here we go again.

MARGARET
Don’t, here we go again me. I’m dead because of you.

DEREK
(Still eating and looking at the TV)
Look I’ve said I’m sorry.

MARGARET
If you were sorry you wouldn’t be stuffing your face with chips while I’m talking.

DEREK
(Under his breath and pushing his dinner away)
I can’t even eat my bloody dinner now.

MARGARET
What! Was that?

DEREK
Do we have to do this tonight?

MARGARET
I know it’s not a big deal to you but…

DEREK
It’s all I ever hear lately.
(In a spooky voice)
Derek why did you kill me?

You wouldn’t like it if I was all like…
(Again in a spooky voice)
Margaret why did you reverse our car into next doors pond?

MARGARET
I can’t believe you’re bringing that up. I’ve never tried to kill you though, have I?

DEREK
(Sarcastically)
Um… wait a minute: I’m sure I remember you cooking for me every night.

MARGARET
Everything’s a joke to you isn’t it? You don’t even care!

DEREK
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I mean, how many times have I got to tell you I’m sorry, it was an accident?

MARGARET
Nobody drops a toaster into a bath by accident.

DEREK
And that’s the thanks I get for trying to making you breakfast is it? It was only an old toaster anyway.

MARGARET
I’m not after a new toaster! I just want to know why you’d do something so stupid.

DEREK
Oh I don’t know! You know I’m no good at cooking.

MARGARET
You’re an idiot! None of my friends’ husbands have electrocuted them.

DEREK
Here we go. Now we’re getting to the real reason you’ve got the hump. “My friends’ husbands take them out to dinner. My friend husbands’ buy them nice things. My friends’ husbands… go to work.” Maybe if you’d shown me a bit more attention occasionally, considered my feelings then…

MARGARET
Oh diddums. How’s your day been dear? Did you kill many people today?

Derek squints, looks up and shakes his stomach with both hands pretending to laugh sarcastically.

DEREK
You’ve found your sense of humour then. It was in the after life all along was it? Coz it certainly wasn’t down here on earth. You were a stony faced old cow down here.

MARGARET
You can mock me if you want but I’ll get you back. I’ll start moving things around. Drive you insane.

DEREK
So long as you’re moving stuff around would you mind moving the iron around over one of my shirts before tomorrow?

MARGARET
You’d love that wouldn’t you? Kill me off but still have me pick up after you.

DEREK
(Laughing)
Well if you wouldn’t mind. I know you haven’t got a lot on.

MARGARET
You bast…

DEREK
Go on get it out your system. You’ll feel better once you’ve slagged me off a bit.

MARGARET
The trouble with you is you’re a slob and a pervert. I’ve seen those magazines you’ve been buying. And you’re boring.

DEREK
I’m boring and a pervert!!!

MARGARET
Yes! But mostly boring!

DEREK
Well If I’m so boring… why don’t you sod off!!!

MARGARET
I might! I might just do that.

DEREK
(Getting up out of his seat)
Yeah sounds great.

MARGARET
Yes. Leave you all alone with your jazz mags.

DEREK
(Sarcastically)
Well if you wouldn’t mind.

Derek grabs his coat from the back of a chair and starts to put it on.

MARGARET
Where are you going?

DEREK
I thought I’d go down the pub and bore a couple of pints. And then I might even try boring that barmaid with the big tits.

Derek walks towards the door and starts to open it.

MARGARET
If you walk out that door I won’t be here when you get back.

Halfway out the door Derek turns back to face the room.

DEREK
But as a wronged spirit aren’t you bound to this house until you find peace?

MARGARET
PIG!

DEREK
(Laughing)
Don’t wait up dear.

As Derek walks out a vase flies off a nearby table and smashes on the back of the door as it closes.

END

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