Velvet Eyes
DENIAL by P Coltrane

INT. INSIDE AN ELECTRICAL REPAIR SHOP.

A SHOPKEEPER IS BEHIND THE COUNTER LOOKING THROUGH A MAGAZINE, WHEN A MAN WALKS IN THROUGH THE DOOR CARRYING A DVD PLAYER.


CUSTOMER
Hello. I have a DVD player here. Do you repair DVD players?

SHOPKEEPER
Well, I will certainly take a look at it for you.


THE CUSTOMER PLACES THE DVD PLAYER DOWN ON THE COUNTER.

CUSTOMER
That's excellent. Well basically, I've had it for a couple of years but recently it’s started malfunctioning.

THE SHOPKEEPER PLUGS THE DVD PLAYER IN AND SWITCHES IT ON.

SHOPKEEPER
It's a good model this one. No, we don't normally see many of these.

CUSTOMER
Yes it was £300 new, so obviously I don't want to just get rid of it.

SHOPKEEPER SLIDES A PAD ACROSS THE TABLE AND PICKS UP A PEN.

SHOPKEEPER
Okay then, if I can just take some details. What seems to be wrong with it?

CUSTOMER
Well it works fine for about 20 minutes, then I think it starts to overheat and give off some sort of noxious vapour.

SHOPKEEPER
Oh dear that doesn't sound right.

CUSTOMER
Yes, well it worried me a bit, but you probably see this sort of thing all the time.

SHOPKEEPER
Well, I haven't really heard of this one before. What sort of colour is this vapour?

THE SHOPKEEPER PICKS UP THE DVD PLAYER AND STARTS TO LOOK CLOSELY AT IT.

CUSTOMER
Oh it's clear you can't see it.

SHOPKEEPER
Right, but it has a smell, yes? What does it smell like?

CUSTOMER
It doesn't really smell of anything.

SHOPKEEPER
So it's fine for about 20 minutes then it starts to get hot and it gives off an invisible odourless vapour.

CUSTOMER
Well it's not really hot to touch, but I'm sure it's giving off a vapour because about 20 minutes into a film, say for example Dirty Dancing, round about the scene where Patrick Swayze first takes his shirt off, I start to feel a bit short of breath, my heart starts to race, and the strangest thing of all, I start to experience a tightness.

SHOPKEEPER
(Concerned) Tightness! What in your chest?

CUSTOMER
No, no, in my trousers.

AS HE SAYS TROUSERS THE FRONT DRAWER OF THE DVD PLAYER POPS OPEN MAKING THE SHOPKEEPER PUT HIS HEAD BACK TO AVOID IT.

CUSTOMER
You’ve properly heard this a million times before.

SHOPKEEPER
No, it's a new one on me. Does this happen with all DVDs or just Dirty Dancing?

CUSTOMER
Well now you come to mention it, it does happen with most DVDs of mine, obviously Dirty Dancing, Ghost, Next of kin…

SHOPKEEPER
They’re all Patrick Swayze films aren't they.

CUSTOMER
Yes, yes I suppose they are. Do you think it's something to do with the wiring.

SHOPKEEPER
Have you ever seen the film Charlie's Angels with Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu?

CUSTOMER
Not really my cup of tea.

SHOPKEEPER
Or Tomb Raider with Angelina Jolie.

CUSTOMER
I don't think I've heard of that one.

SHOPKEEPER
How about Point Break.

CUSTOMER
(Laughing) Well yeah! Who hasn’t see Point Break?

SHOPKEEPER
Are you married at all sir?

CUSTOMER
No, but… look I don’t see what this has to do with my DVD player breaking down.

SHOPKEEPER
Look it’s none of my business but I think that you might be infatuated with Patrick Swayze.

CUSTOMER
I, I can't believe this. Look I didn't come in here to be accused of being a homosexual. Any feelings I have for Patrick Swayze are simply feelings of respect for a man who is good at his job and has looked after his body. Just because I show symptoms of arousal when watching his films doesn't mean I fancy him, or love him, or that I would give anything to be held in his big strong arm as he caresses me and makes me feel more complete than I’ve ever felt in my life. (He starts to cry) It’s that damn machine and its fumes. I wish I’d never bought the thing.

SHOPKEEPER
Look I’m sorry, I think you're right. Yes, I think I can feel some fumes coming out of it now. I'm even starting to feel some wood myself. I'll take a look at it. Just leave it with me and I'll give you a call when it's ready.

CUSTOMER
Thank you, you're very kind.

SHOPKEEPER
It probably just needs a clean or something. But just in case it isn’t the machine, here, a rep left some leaflets with me once. I never thought they would be of any use, but you may as well have one. It may help.

THE SHOPKEEPER PASSES THE CUSTOMER A LEAFLET ENTITLED “DON’T LET, MASKING YOUR LOVE FOR PATRICK SWAYZE BY BLAMING YOUR FEELINGS ON ELECTRICAL APPLIANCES, RUIN YOUR LIFE”.
AS CUSTOMER RUNS SOBBING FROM THE SHOP, THE SHOPKEEPER STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD AND UNSCREW THE DVD PLAYER.

SHOPKEEPER
It’s a bloody shame, it really is.

END

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