DIGBY DANACO VS A LION by P Coltrane
SCENE: BEGINNING OF A NATURE PROGRAMME WHERE THE AUSSIE HOST DIGBY DANACO IS STANDING INFRONT OF A JEEP. THE ROOF OF THE JEEP IS STACKED HIGH WITH ELEPHANT TUSKS.
We are here today on the Serengeti Plain to observe, Panthera leo, or as you will probably know him the lion. The lion is the second largest feline species after the tiger and the male lion is easily recognized by his big bushy head. If you take a look over there, under that tree you will see the fellow we’re here to meet. Look at how big his paws are, his paws by the way are those big lumps on the end of his arms, and he uses them not only to scratch his big hairy balls in the sun, but also to kill. Now the lion sleeps for around 23 hours a day out here, lazy mother, and this is to conserve his energy in the intense heat. Well we’re not asleep so I don’t see why he should be. So let’s get the furry drongo on his toes. Now, a lot of people will tell you otherwise, but the best way to provoke a lion is not to jab him with a stick but to show him candid photos of his misses. Bruce pass me the pics.
AN ENVELOPE IS PASSED TO DIGBY DANACO.
Thanks Bruce. Now these are bloody disgusting. OK Lets stir some animal emotions.
YOU SEE AN ENVELOPE LAND BY THE FEET OF THE LION. YOU THEN SEE A PAW REACHING INTO THE ENVELOPE. FOLLOWED BY A CLOSE UP OF THE LIONS EYES SUDDENLY OPEN WIDE WITH SURPRISE.
Right we’ve got his attention.
YOU SEE A GRAINY 1960’S WILDLIFE FILM CLIP OF A LION SLOWLY CREEPING TOWARDS THE CAMERA.
Oh right you want a piece of me do you. Well come on then you hippy.
No Digby. Don’t do it.
THE VIEW SHAKES AS THE CAMERA IS DROPPED TO THE GROUND AND YOU SEE SOME BOOTS RUN PAST.
YOU HEAR TWO GUN SHOTS AS THE SCENE FADES TO BLACK.
SCENE: DIGBY IS BEING CARRIED OFF ON A STRETCHER.
Ok. I’ve lost a lot of blood so before I pass out don’t forget to tune in next week when I’ll be wrestling a shark that we’ve just accused of being a bender. Ok this is Digby Signing out, see ya folks.
AS DIGBY IS CARRIED AWAY YOU CAN HEAR HIM CALLING TO BRUCE.
Bruce don’t forget to strap that carcass to the wagon mate, and give Sinbad and call tell him we want 50 for this one, he’s a beauty.