Velvet Eyes
Entertainment Reviews by P Coltrane
If like me, you are tired of tuning into a show that TV quick described as 'The best thing since Tony Martin shot a gypo' only to end up watching some cocky foetus prancing around like a spandex retard on ice for two minutes before getting sucked off by a panel of numb heads, or if you're fed up with going to all the effort of covering up your genitals with clothes just so you can go out in public and be disappointed with some crappy old pile of shitty cack parading itself as entertainment that Timeout told you was 'Quite literally the bestest goodness that Andrew Lloyd Webber has ever shat out of his mind', then you need to wrap your eyes round some of my proper reviews.


Comedy on the Net
You’ve probably heard them all before, but if you’ve ever needed to feel better about yourself (I’m looking at you Britney) then settle down in underwear you don’t mind soiling and search for George W Bush Quotes on YouTube. You won’t be disappointed by the man who always fails to think before he opens his arse to speak. He’s a “misunderestimated” comedy genius who is punching above his weight every time he fastens his shoes to his feet.


Public Comedy
My literary recommendation this week is a little known author whose work I discovered in the gents of my local pub the ‘Cheese & Helmet’. Simply known as Baz, his work concentrates on his sexual exploits in that very toilet. Of his work that I have read, he always manages to deliver the humour and passion, in one line, that most authors require a whole book to achieve. With illustrations included, his latest offering, titled ‘Ya Mum’ should certainly not be missed.


Street Entertainment
As live entertainment goes; London’s street performers can offer all you need for a quality night out. My favourite by far is a theatrical group known as the ‘The ladies of the night’. Regularly working the streets of Kings Cross, they are always in character and always bring a smile to your face. Their attention to detail is unsurpassed, showing they are nothing more than seasoned pros. Most are even prepared to take the charade a little further and invite you back to their bedsit where they can perform some of the more physically demanding routines that simply wouldn’t be achievable on the street. Although they will demand more than just some loose change tossed into their open handbag, you will find their performances are more than worth it. However, if you are on a budget, some of the older acts are more reasonably priced.


The Chris Moyles Show
In 2007, quadriplegic Simon Hatfield was, as usual, sitting motionless in his wheel chair in the University Hospital of East Cheam. As the ward nurse made her usual rounds, she, without realising, switched on the radio next to his chair. The channel was Radio1 and the programme, ‘The Chris Moyles Show’. Twenty five seconds later Mr Hatfield leaped from his seat and punched the radio across the room shouting “You call that pony entertainment!” Simon, now fully recovered, married the ward nurse and is living abroad. ‘The Chris Moyles Show,’ God does move in mysterious ways.

Not really a review, but I think it tells you all you need to know about the show.


Hancock's Half Hour
Tony Hancock, in Hancock's Half Hour, in my opinion is still one of the best comedy performances there has been. His pomposities are constantly pricked by the supporting cast, unless he gets there first. In one early TV show you can see Sid James struggling to suppress his laughter as he watched Hancock’s emotional response to an obviously fake Lord Byron poem about conkers. I can’t imagine anyone on the set of ‘My Family’ laughing unless there was a gas leak. Hancock can make me laugh with a well timed pause and a roll of his eyes. Robert Lindsey would have to attach a car battery to his nads to provoke the same response.


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