Velvet Eyes
MONSTER PROPERTIES by P Coltrane

Wayne, a 30 year old letting agent has always relies heavily on his looks to help him let or rent-out over priced or undesirable flat and house. However, Wayne is not what most people would consider conventionally attractive, or even attractive. Wayne is, not to put to finer point on it, The Elephant Man

 

EXT. STREET - DAY

A YOUNG COUPLE ARE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD TOWARDS A HOUSE. AS THEY GET CLOSER YOU CAN SEE SOMEONE STANDING OUT SIDE THE FRONT DOOR IN A SUIT. AS THEY GET CLOSER YOU CAN SEE IT IS THE ELEPHANT MAN LEANING ON A WALKING STICK WAITING FOR THEM.

 

WAYNE
(Until stated he speaks in a typical slurred elephant man voice)
Hello, Mr and Mrs Smith?

MAN
(Manchester Accent)
Actually it’s Smite.

WAYNE
(Panicky and fretful)
Arr I’m so sorry Mr Smite. I beg your forgiveness.

MAN
No, no it’s fine a lot of people get it wrong.

WAYNE
You must get so frustrated, and now I have also insulted you. I see no other course of action for you but to take your belt to me for such insolence.

MAN
No, no really it fine. Forget it.

WAYNE
(Softly)
You are a gentleman Sir.
(louder)
Your husband is a gentleman young lady.
(Softly)
I am Wayne and I am very please to make your acquaintance.

MAN
Well it’s nice to se... Meet you too.

PALSE

WAYNE
God made me this way Mr Smite.

MAN
I…

WAYNE
I’m sorry. You’ve come to see the house. Let us enter. Come, come.

WAYNE AND THE YOUNG COUPLE ENTER THE HOUSE.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. HOUSE - DAY

 

WAYNE
As you can see this is a wonderful residence. I am told the walls are made of solid brick.

WAYNE LEANS ON HIS STICK AND BEGINS BANGS ON THE WALL WITH A CLUB HAND WHILE LAUGHING MORE AND MORE HYSTERICALLY BEFORE CARMING DOWN.

WAYNE
Through here is the drawing room, and that is the kitchen. Although I am not permitted to enter any room where food is prepared, you are most welcome to have a look around.

MAN & WOMAN
Thank you.

 

THE COUPLE WALK INTO THE KITCHEN.

WAYNE
Through the door at the end of the kitchen is the garden. The garden is untidy but it is very private and un-over looked. This makes it the perfect place to feel the sun on your face without the constant taunts from on lookers.
(Lost in thought, very slowly and poignantly)
Dance for us you beast. and you may have a bun.

THE COUPLE LOOK AROUND THE KITCHEN.

MAN
It’s very nice.

WAYNE
(Still very distant)
No, no it’s not.
(Pause)
Sorry, sorry please, come up stairs. You must see up stairs.

CUT TO:

INT. UPSTAIRS – DAY

YOU SEE WAYNE AND THE COUPLE LEAVING A BEDROOM AND WALKING ACROSS THE LANDING.

WAYNE
I’m sure it would suit either a home office or guestroom. This is the master bedroom. As you can see it’s a good size room and one which I am sure you and your good lady wife would spend many hours f... f... f… fast asleep,
(Pause)
obviously in between rutting.
Now young lady if you would be so kind as to avert your eyes I will show you husband the water closet.

WAYNE LEADS THE YOUNG MAN INTO THE BATHROOM

WAYNE
This is the toilet, into which you may defecate, and I am also told that with a push of this button your stool will vanish before you very eyes.

WAYNE DROPS A PIECE OF PAPER DOWN THE TOILET AND PUSHES THE BUTTON ON THE TOP OF THE SYSTEM. AS THE TOILET STARTS TO FLUSH WAYNE STARTS TO PANIC AND SHRIEK

WAYNE
Arrr, make it stop Mr Smite make It sto… Oh it appears it have… Oh look it’s done it. How very clever.
I also must warn you Mr Smite that, in my experience the toilet is the only acceptable place to excrete your faeces. People can get very emotional if they find a poo in any other location.
Um, hand basin is here, very useful for washing down you boils and abscesses, also cleaning cut from being whipped after pooing in the high street, and here we have the power shower.

WAYNE OPENS THE DOOR TO THE SHOWER CUBICAL, SCREAMS AND IMMEDIATELY GRABS THE SHOWER HEAD

WAYNE
Arr Mother, what have they done to you?

SLOWLY HE LOOK AROUND AND SMILES AT THE MAN WHO IS LOOKING SOMEWHAT UNCOMFORTABLE.

WAYNE
Just my little joke.

CUT TO:

INT. STAIRS - DAY

WAYNE IS WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS FOLLOWED BE THE YOUNG COUPLE.

WAYNE
The rent is 300 English pounds a week, two weeks in advance. So if you could just sign these papers…

MAN
£300. We were told on the phone it was £250.

LONG PAUSE

WAYNE
If you could just sign here.

 

 

MAN
Um, I’m sorry but we can only afford £250 a week. We were told on the phone that the price was £250 a week.

WAYNE
Oh dear £250.
(looks down as if to be working something out)
But that’s not as much as £300.

MAN
Well yes, I know. But that’s all we can afford. I did explain that to the woman in your office. We love the house. Do you think the vendor would come down on the price?

WAYNE
Well I suppose could give my boss a call.

MAN
Yeah, I mean, if you could, that would be great.

WAYNE
Yes, yes
(Looking down at his phone and thinking for a moment)
You could take in a logger.
(Straitening his stance and tightening his tie)
I know of a young professional who has recently been locked out of a local farm building and is looking for a place to lay his grotesque head.

AS THE MAN AND WOMAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER, THE WOMAN LOOKS SICKEND AT THE THOUGH, THEN STARTS TO SHAKE HER HEAD.

MAN
I’m not sure…

WAYNE
No, no you’re right. I should call my boss and see what he has to say.
(Starts to call his boss on his mobile)
Hello Mr Essex. Yes it’s Wayne. I have a young couple here who I have just shown round the property in Spurling Road. Yes they… No I’ve not been in the kitchen. They are very interested yes, but they were wondering if the vendor would be prepared to come down on the price.
Yes, no, I’ve already suggested that but… No I don’t think I should do that, no they wouldn’t like that at all.
(Looking up at the couple, Wayne starts to get panicky)
Ok, yes. I’ll try but that’s all they can afford. Yes, but…
(Shrieks)
No not that. Mr Essex, please, anything but that. Mr Essex, Mr Essex
(Getting louder)
Mr Essex.
(Shouting)
Mr Essex.

THERE IS A PAUSE BEFORE THE MAN REACHES OUT AND TUTCHES WAYNE’S ARM.

MAN
I think he’s hung up mate.

WAYNE IS STARTLED AND THROWS HIM SELF BACK ONTO THE STAIRS.

WAYNE
No not the cat again Mr Essex.

MAN
(Leaping back)
Fuck!

THE MAN TURNS TO THE WOMAN AND SAYS QUIETLY.

MAN
It is a nice place. What ja recon.

SHE SHAKES HER HEAD.

MAN
Ok pal, look I think maybe we can probably take it a 300 yeah.

WAYNE
(Wide eyed and gazing up at the couple)
You can?

MAN
Yeah, fuck it.

THE MAN TAKES THE PAPERS AND SIGNS THEM.

MAN
Look, I’m gona go down the bank to get the two weeks rent yeah. I pop in the shop with it later.

THEN WAYNE SMILING WITH TEARS RUNNING DOWN HIS FACE TAKES THE PAPERS AND CLUTCHES THEM TO HIS CHEST, BEFORE STARTING TO SOB.

MAN
We’re gona let you get your self together, yeah. I’ll see you later.

THE MAN AND WOMAN LEAVE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. TWO SECONDS LATER WAYNE SOBBING STOPS SUDDENLY. ONE EYE OPENS AND THEN THE OTHER. HE THROWS TWO HANDS INTO THE AIR, ONE CLENCHED ROUND A CONTRACTED.

WAYNE
(Now speaking in a normal east London accent)
Get in there!

WITH HIS EYES CLOSED AND BITING HIS BOTTOM LIP THE WAYNE START TO SHAKE HIS FISTS AT CHECK HIGH AND THRUST HIS PELVIS (ENTHUSIASTIC YANK STYLE)

WAYNE
I am on fire. Yeah!!

CUT TO:

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE - DAY

BACKING MUSIC STARTS (HEY YA BY OUTCAST STARTS TO PLAY)
OUTSIDE THE HOUSE YOU SEE WAYNE EXITING THE HOUSE BACKWARDS, CLOSING AND LOCKING THE FRONT DOOR BEFORE SPINNING ROUND WITH HIS LOWER ARMS AND FOREFINGERS POINTING OUT IN FRONT OF HIM. HE STARTS TO WALK, KNEES BENT, DOWN THE PATH BOBBING HIS HEAD AS IF HE CAN HEAR THE MUSIC. UNCLIPPING HIS CAPE, ROLLING IT UP AND STICKING IT UNDER HIS ARM, HE REACHES UP WITH THE OTHER, AND SLATS THE ‘FOR LET’ AS IF TO HIGH FIVE IT. AS HE GETS TO HIS SOFT TOP SUZUKI JEEP (SOFT TOP DOWN), HE THROWS HIS ROLLED UP CAPE AND KANE INTO THE BACK, JUMPS IN AND SLAPS ONTO HIS HEAD A OVERSIZED BASEBALL CAP. LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR, AND IN HIS ELEPHANT MANS VOICE, HE SAYS TO HIM SELF.

WAYNE
Wayne, I’m going to buy you lunch.
(Then back in his ordinary voice)
No, today lunch is on me.

HE STARTS HIS JEEP AND SHOOTS OF DOWN THE ROAD.

CUT TO:

EXT. HIGHSTREET – DAY
IN A HIGH STREET WAYNE SLOWS AND STOPS OUTSIDE AN ESTATE AGENTS CALLED ‘ESSEX’S PROPER T‘s’. LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, SUCKING ON A FAST FOOD DRINK’S STRAW, HE SEES THAT ALL THE PARKING SPACES OUTSIDE THE SHOP ARE TAKEN. LOOKING A ONE FLASH CONVERTIBLE IN PARTICULAR, WITH THE LICENCE PLATE THAT READS ‘U R A TURKEY’, HE FROWNS AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.

WAYNE
(Laughing) Who’s that twat.

WAYNE DRIVES OFF AND TURNS THE NEXT CORNER, PARKS UP AND GETS OUT. HE WALKS BACK ON TO THE HIGH STREET AND STARTS TO STRUT DOWN THE ROAD TOWARDS THE ESTATE AGENTS. AS HE PASSES A BAKERY, HE LEANS IN THE DOOR AND SHOUTS.

WAYNE
Oi Oi!
(Startling an old lady standing at the counter and making her drop her cake sunny side down onto the floor)
Barry, how’s it going you old fruit!

BAKER
(Greek accent and please to see him)
Hay Wayne. Where you been? Haven’t seen you all week.

WAYNE
Busy raking in the mular.

BAKER
(Friendly)
You flash bastard. Hope you’re going to keep coming in when you’re a millionaire.

WAYNE
(Laughing)
No chance.

BAKER: Ay.

STILL SMILING, THE BAKER THROWS A HOT CROSS BUN AT WAYNE. WAYNE CATCHES THE BUN AND TAKES A BITE.

WAYNE:
(With a full mouth)
See ya tomorrow gez.

WAYNE CONTINUES TO STRUT DOWN THE ROAD BUN IN HAND, UNTIL HE GETS TO THE ESTATE AGENTS WHERE HE WORKS.

CUT TO:

INT. ESTATE AGENTS - DAY
THE INSIDE OF THE SHOP IS SET OUT LIKE ANY OTHER. 4 LIGHT WOOD DESKS WITH COMPUTER MONITORS. THE WHOLE OFFICE IS CLEAN LINE AND FLOOR STANDING POT PLANTS. THE DESK CLOSES TO THE DOOR HAS A 20 SOMETHING WOMAN SITTING AT IT LOOKING THROUGH SOME PAPERS (SHARON). THE NEXT CLOSES IS EMPTY. SEATED AT THE THIRD DESK IS A WELL TURNED OUT MAN (PHILIP). SAT BOLT UPRIGHT, HE IS TALKING ON THE PHONE AND LOOKING A COMPUTER SCREEN. THE LAST, IN THE CORNER, HAS THE BOSS DAVID ESSEX SITTING AT IT TALKING TO A YOUNG COUPLE. ON THE WALL AT THE BACK OF THE OFFICE ARE FRAMED PHOTOGRAPHS OF ALL FOUR EMPLOYEES IN A LINE. THE SECOND ONE IN IS WAYNE’S, AND IS NOTICEABLE BIGGER IN SIZE, SO AS TO FIT IN HIS LARGER HEAD.

WAYNE ENTERS AND TAKES OUT A PINK CONTRACT FROM HIS INSIDE POCKET, UNFOLDS IT AND HOLDING IT AT THE TOP AND BOTTOM, HE STARTS TO MIMIC THE PEARL & DEAN THEME TUNE WHILE ROTATING IT BACK AND FORTH. WITH THE CONTRACT OUT STREACHED HE WALKS OVER TO THE WOMAN AT THE FIRST DESK. STILL DOING THE THEME TUNE AND REACHING A CRESCENDO, HE STARTS TO PULSE THE FORM IN AND OUT A COUPLE OF INCHES. FINALY REACHING HER DESK AND SITS ON THE CORNER, HE FINISHES THE TUNE AND STANDS THERE HOLDING THE CONTRACT OUT IN FRONT OF HER.

SHARON
(In a slightly patronising voice)
Oh, have you got a pink slip for me?

WAYNE:
(Sarcastically)
No! I’m trying to hypnotise you with a skin graph. Of course I’ve got a…

SHARON
(Seriously)
Don’t my boyfriend tried to hypnotise me once by waving something in my face, just made me feel dizzy and sick.

WAYNE
Did he? Dirty bastard!

SHARON AND WAYNE BOTH START TO LAUGHS BEFORE BEING INTERRUPTED BY PHILIP COUGHING LOUDLY IN ORDER TO GET THERE ATTENTION.

SHARON
(Quietly)
Don’t, we’ve got customers in.

WAYNE
Have we?
(Looking round the shop)
Ear, Dave hasn’t finally sold something has he?

SHARON
No. They’re yours I think, Mr & Mrs Smithe.

WAYNE
What!!

WAYNE LOOKS ROUND AGAIN AT THE COUPLE SITTING AT DAVID’S DESK. DAVID LOOKS UP AND GLARES AT HIM. WAYNE GETS OFF OF SHARON’S DESK AND STARTS TOO SHUFFLED OVER TO HIS OWN DESK DRAGGING ONE OF HIS FEET BEHIND HIM. SITTING DOWN HE SLURPING AND PRETENDING TO HAVE TROUBLE GATHERING UP THE PAPERS ON HIS DESK. AS PHILIP LEANS OVER TO WAYNE, WAYNE REELS BACK SLIGHTLY AND WHIMPERS.

PHILIP:
You won’t get away with this one.

WAYNE
(Quietly)
Piss off.

DAVID AND THE YOUNG COUPLE GET UP AND START TO WALK OVER TO THE DOOR.

 

DAVID
As I say, I can only apologise and if we get any thing else in that I think will suit you, I will give you a call straight away.

HE SEES THE COUPLE OUT, CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS OVER TO WAYNE’S DESK.

DAVID
Right boy, what you been up too.

WAYNE
I an’t done nothing.

PHILIP
(Snorts)
The mans a savage.

WAYNE
Well at least I’m not a…
(Pause)
Slimy twat!

DAVID
Wall!! Right, Wayne, Are you going to tell me why that young couple came in here quoting the humans rights act to me. Wanting to know why I make my staff sleep in their own fasces.

WAYNE
What! Aw don’t listen to those two, they’re mental. We just got our wires crossed. I’d been to the dentist this morning and had to have a filling. Anyway my mouths still num so I’m talking funny. And I did that charity run last night so my backs aching a bit so, I’m stooping, yeah. Yeah that’s it, I was doing a charity run last night and I had the dentist this morning.

DAVID
Wayne do you see sticks controlling my hands?

WAYNE
(Looking confused)
Um n…

 

DAVID
Is there someone behind me with there hand up my arse?

WAYNE
No.

DAVID
And am I made of felt?

WAYNE
(No looking down)
No.

DAVID
No. That’s because I’m not a Muppet!! Am I!

WAYNE
No

DAVID
Listen boy you’ve been working the sideshow routine again. And don’t deny it because that’s the fourth lot of customers in hear this week complaining about you.

WAYNE
Come on boss, it’s tuff out there. I need every weapon I’ve got to get rid of some of the properties we got on our book. How am I supposed to talk up a 10 floor flat that stinks of piss?

DAVID
You think of something don’t. You tell them at least it’s not on the 20th floor and stinks of shit. What you don’t do is start lumbering about crying into your hooves for sympathy.

WAYNE
Alright. But if the sales start to drop off don’t start.

PHILIP
Tell him David.

WAYNE
Tell me what.

PHILIP
(Theatrically)
Reveal to the beast his fail.

DAVID
(Firmly)
Philip!

PHILIP
Tell the scoundrel he can no longer suckle at you teat.

DAVID
Philip! Can you give us a minute? Boy.

PHILIP
What, but I’ve been looking forward to this moment for 5 years. I want to see him sweat, sweat running down his chest.
(Looking straight a Wayne and starting to pant)

DAVID
Philip just file something will you. Here file this. (He hand him the racing post)

PHILIP
Well what does this go under?

DAVID
Just put it under ‘P’.

PHILIP GETS UP AND STARTS TO WALK OFF. AS HE WALKS BEHIND WAYNE HE LEANS OVER HIM

PHILIP
Don’t think I can’t smell you sweat from over there.

WAYNE PICKS UP THE LAST BIT OF HIS BUN THAT HE HASN’T FINISHED AND THROWS IT AT PHILIP.

PHILIP
That’s it, isn’t it? You basic instinct, attach the white man.

PHILIP WALKS OFF.

WAYNE
What’s going on Dave?

DAVID
Right, look, I interviewed a new salesman yesterday and well, I’m going to give him a go.

WAYNE
What! You’re sacking me.

DAVID
No, I’m just replacing you.

WAYNE
Well… well that’s the same bloody thing.

CUT-TO:

INT. ESTATE AGENTS - DAY

PHILIP IS LOOKING OVER HIS SHOULDER AS HE FILES THE RACING POST IN A FILING CABENET NEXT TO SHARON DESK.

SHARON
That doesn’t go there. Give it here.

SHARON TAKES THE PAPER OUT OF PHILIPS HAND AND STARTS TO FILE IT IN A DIFFERENT DRAW.

SHARON
It I’ll be a sham if Wayne goes won’t it.

PHILIP
What, have you been drinking you nail varnish. Look at him, the beast. Who know’s what he’s capable of. He could probably do all manner of thing to you and you’d be powerless to stop him.

SHARON
What Wayne, no he’s lovely bloke he is. He’s a good laugh.

PHILIP
(Lost in thought)
His hand all over me. Forcing me into submission. I’d have no option but to except his advances.

SHARON
You must be seeing a different side of him to me.

PHILIP
Just give him a wide berth for your own sake. Leave this on to me.

CUT-TO:

INT. ESTATE AGENTS - DAY

DAVID AND WAYNE ARE SAT TALKING AT WAYNE’S DESK.

WAYNE
Look it really wasn’t that bad anyway. All these customers are exaggerating. I might have occasionally started to stutter, but that’s just nerves.

DAVID
Wayne, do I have a ceramic handle sticking out of my torso?

WAYNE
(Confused)
What?

DAVID
Do I have a ceramic handle sticking out of my torso, and is my head full of hot beverage?

WAYNE
(Quietly)
Not again.
No

DAVID
That’s because I’m not a Mug! Am I?

WAYNE
No.

DAVID
Look, the only reason you’re still here at all is because I made a promise to you mother that I’d look after you. Because she didn’t want you to end up like her, a washed up old prozy running the hook a duck stale in a travelling fair, turning trick every time someone got a one or a seven. It wouldn’t have been any sort of a life for you on the road boy. I should know I spent twenty years as a carnie. Started at six greasing up nuts on the ghost train, that’s how I meet your mother. I had to work through all the shitty jobs until I got to run my own ride. Even then, to take over a ride you had to kill the current owner in a deadly game of hoopla. But it can be different for you. If you just knuckled down and get on with the job properly. You’re a good salesman when you put your mind to it. You don’t need to put on that act. If you’re going to do that you may as well be back at the fair handing out bags of goldfish.

WAYNE:
You’re right Dave, I know. Just give me one last chance.

DAVID
(Thinks about it for a while)
Ok, one last chance. But you’re going to have to work for it boy. I’m still getting this new bloke in. You need to show me that you can be professional. Can you do that?

WAYNE
I can do anything. I’m going to mesmerise ya.

JUST THEN THE DOOR TO THE SHOP OPENS AND A FIGURE WALKS IN.

WAYNE
Ha Oh! Christ, look at the face on this one.

DAVID STANDS UP AND WALKS OVER TO THE PERSON WHO HAS JUST ENTERED THE SHOP.

DAVID
Great you here. Everyone, I’d like you to meet Charleston.

YOU SEE DAVID STANDING NEXT TO A MAN THAT LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE WAYNE WITH THE EXCEPTION OF A SMARTER SUIT, SLICK BACK HAIR, A THIN MOUSTACHE AND VERY SMUG LOOK ON HIS FACE. EVERYONE, EXCEPT WAYNE, APPEARS VERY IMPRESSED.

CHARLESTON
(In a very posh and smug voice)
Hello everyone.

DAVID
Charleston is our new salesman. Charleston… sorry boy, what do you prefer, Charley, Chas?

CHARLESTON
Charleston will be fine.

DAVID
Right, formal yeah, very professional. (Raises his eyebrows to Wayne) Ok boy we’ve go Sharon, she does all the paperwork and that. Philip, he in sales, and Wayne, he’s currently sales as well. (Raises his eyebrows to Wayne again) Right it’s nearly tea break, so I’m going to treat you all to a cake, while you all have a chat and get to know each other. What you having Philip?

DAVID STARTS TO WRITE THERE ORDERS DOWN

PHILIP
Well carrot cake of course.

DAVID
Sharon.

SHARON
Ooo, If your going to Barry’s I’ll have one of those giant smarty cookies.

DAVID
Right carrot cake, giant smarts cookie. Charleston, what you having?

CHARLESTON
Well I don’t normally eat between meals so…

DAVID
No! You’ve got to have something.

CHARLESTON
Ok, I have a crepe drizzled with Belgium chocolate please.

PHILIP
(Urgently)
Actually I’ll have the same as Charleston please David.

SHARON
Yeah, I have one of them too. Sound nice.

DAVID
Well I don’t know if Barry going to have Belgium chocolate, you might have to have Nutella. Right keep it simple, I’m going to have one too. Wayne do you want a crepe?

WAYNE
No!

CHARLESTON
He probable went before he came out.

EVERYONE BUT WAYNE STARTS TO LAUGH.

DAVID
No, come on Wayne, what do you want?

WAYNE
(Quietly)
Sticky bun.

CHARLESTON LOOKS DOWN AND SNIGGERS.

 WAYNE
(Directed at Charleston)
Is that ok?

DAVID
Yeah I’ve got that, I be back in a minute. Someone put the kettle.

SHARON
I’ll do that.

SHARON WALKS OUT THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND DAVID LEAVES TO GET THE CAKES, LEAVING WAYNE, PHILLIP AND CHARLESTON STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SHOP.

 

CHARLESTON
(Smugly)
Quite partial to a sticky bun are you Wayne?

WAYNE
Yeah, so!

CHARLESTON
Oh I just though you’d want to avoid playing up to peoples expectation.

WAYNE
I don’t let what people think stop me from eating what I want.

CHARLESTON
(Under his breath)
Or wearing what you want.

WAYNE
What?

PHILIP
Wayne is the chap you’re replacing.

WAYNE
He’s fucking not.

CHARLESTON
So you’re the one that’s into amateur dramatics are you?

PHILIP
Yes he’s quite the grifter.

WAYNE
(Directed at Philip)
I made more sales than you last mouth.

PHILIP
Yes well it the quality of sale that counts.

CHARLESTON
I’ve never really been into gimmicks. I have always found that if you project confidences and intelligences then you can normally get the results you want.

PHILIP
Yes, yes you’re right. That’s always been my philosophy.

WAYNE
That alright for, you but people always have preconceived ideas about me because of the way I look.
(Motioning to Charleston)
You must have had that before.

CHARLESTON
Why would I have had that? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

WAYNE
Well you’re… (Waving his hand up and down his own face) your boat race.

PHILIP
What are you on about Wayne?

CHARLESTON
Have you been in the sun without a massive hat?

PHILIP AND CHARLESTON START TO LAUGH

WAYNE
Am I the only one that can see he’s hideous?

PHILIP
Wayne! Just because you’re getting the sack, doesn’t mean you can go around insulting people.

WAYNE
I’m not getting the sack.

CHARLESTON
It’s Ok Philip. I’ve experience this sort of jealousy before. These sorts of people loathe anybody more attractive or successful than themselves. You should hear some of the jeers I get just because I’m driving down the road in an expensive car. That’s why I got the number plate ‘U R A TURKEY’.

 

PHILIP
Oh is that you’re out front? It’s a lovely machine.

CHARLESTON
Yes I parked up earlier so I could get a space outside the shop.

WAYNE
That’s my parking space you’re in.

CHARLESTON
Is it? I’m dreadfully sorry Wayne, I had no idea it was a disabled space.

AGAIN PHILIP AND CHARLESTON START LAUGHING AT WAYNE. WAYNE WALKS OFF IN A HUFF.

PHILIP
So Charleston, are you married?

CHARLESTON
No.

PHILIP
Girlfriend?

CHARLESTON
No.

PHILIP
Excellent!

 

To be concluded

 

 

 

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