Velvet Eyes

Music: Bavarian ‘oompah’ band playing Paparazzi by Lady GaGa

  Background a spinning globe. In the foreground we see a 50 something German man wearing a tan safari outfit and sandals and knee length socks. He sports an outsize grey handlebar moustache. In a montage of scenes we see Reinhardt in a variety of situations with wild animals; in an alleyway circling a Polar Bear both holding flick knives, in a field back to back with a crocodile both clutching 19th century duelling pistols, in an outback saloon bar where a Kangaroo is smashing a wooden chair over the back of his head, wearing a 1970s English wrestling outfit and jumping off the top ropes onto the prone outstretched body of tiger (also wearing a leotard type ensemble) and finally on a trawler boat where he is punched in the face by what is obviously a man in a giant fish costume (the man insides arms are clearly exposed and are covered in tattoos) At the pay off moment of every encounter the scene freezes.


Scene opens on a TV. studio, all around are floor to ceiling pictures of Reinhardt and various animals in confrontational poses, also dotted about the walls are different animal heads including dinosaurs.  Reinhardt stands in front of a desk on which are a globe and a monkey skeleton. On the floor in front of him are two fish bowls filled with large white fish. Reinhardt has his trousers rolled up to his knees.

R:     Piranhas!! Notoriously bad tempered svinehunds ja?! Zey vill strip zer flesh from ein Camel in minutes ja?!! NEIN!!! Misconception, myth, fraud and zer slander. What is not commonly known about zer Piranha is that he is ein great lover of music. In fact, as is the secret of native tribesman and shaman everywhere, he can be subdued by the most primitive of instruments and the most rudimentary of melodies like zo!

Reinhardt produces a penny whistle from behind his back

R: By the simple expedient of playing a basic tune, I am able to render zee little fishes mit zer gnashers completely harmless, and once again (clicks heels together in tuetonic fashion and bows) ensure my own complete safety.

R steps forward into the two fish tanks one foot at a time and begins to play an Indian melody. After a second or two he pauses, looks quizzically at camera and says

                  Or was zat snakes?

The fish tanks begin to froth madly and turn red

R:  Nein!! Achtung!! Schnell!!



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